Have you ever paused in the middle of a stressful moment and asked yourself: “What exactly am I thinking right now?”
Chances are, beneath the racing heart, the tight shoulders, and the shallow breaths, there’s one core thought fueling the entire storm:
“This shouldn’t be happening.”
That one sentence—simple, subtle, and often unconscious—is responsible for the vast majority of the emotional stress we experience. Whether it’s a delayed flight, an argument with a partner, a failed job interview, or even just a long line at the grocery store… our internal resistance to the moment is often what causes us the most pain.
Let’s dive deep into why “this shouldn’t be happening” controls so much of our stress—and most importantly, how you can rewire your mind to break free from its grip.
The Hidden Enemy: Resistance to Reality
When something happens that we don’t like, our first reaction is almost always mental resistance.
We protest internally. We argue with reality.
We clench our minds around a silent scream:
“No. This isn’t fair. This isn’t what I planned. This isn’t right.”
This subtle rejection of what is creates an enormous tension within us.
And it’s not the situation itself that causes stress—it’s our unwillingness to accept that it’s happening.
Example:
- Reality: You’re stuck in traffic.
- Thought: “I’m going to be late. This shouldn’t be happening. I planned so carefully.”
- Result: Stress, anger, anxiety.
Now imagine the same scenario, but with a shift in thought:
- New Thought: “I’m stuck. That’s the truth. I can use this time to breathe or listen to something valuable.”
- Result: Acceptance, calm, maybe even insight.
Where the Thought Comes From
The thought “this shouldn’t be happening” stems from two powerful psychological forces:
- The Illusion of Control
We live most of our lives under the comforting illusion that we are in control of most external events. When life reminds us otherwise, we panic. - Attachment to Expectations
Our brains love predictability. We create mental blueprints for how life should go. When reality deviates from that blueprint, our nervous system perceives it as a threat.
Combined, these create a stress response that is out of proportion to the situation. We’re not reacting to life—we’re reacting to the gap between our expectation and reality.
The Science of Acceptance: Why It Works
Studies in mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) have shown that acceptance reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, and increases resilience.
In a 2010 study published in Emotion, researchers found that participants who accepted their negative emotions—rather than trying to suppress or fight them—experienced significantly less psychological distress.
Acceptance doesn’t mean passive resignation.
It means recognizing reality without adding mental commentary that says: “This is wrong.”
How to Break Free from the Thought
Step 1: Catch the Thought
Awareness is everything.
Stress often comes in like a wave—we feel it before we can name it.
Next time you’re overwhelmed, pause and ask yourself:
- “What story am I telling myself right now?”
- “Am I resisting this moment?”
- “What if I stopped arguing with what’s happening?”
Just identifying the thought “this shouldn’t be happening” already weakens its power.
Step 2: Flip the Script
Try consciously replacing it with one of these empowering alternatives:
- “This is happening. I can meet it.”
- “This moment is my teacher.”
- “It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what’s real.”
This shift doesn’t magically make everything feel good.
But it gives you mental space—a crack in the wall of resistance where peace can slip in.
Step 3: Use the 3-A Formula (Awareness – Acceptance – Action)
- Awareness: Notice what’s happening inside and outside.
- Acceptance: Stop resisting the moment. Say “yes” to reality—even if it’s uncomfortable.
- Action: Once you’re grounded in the present, take wise, conscious action. (Not stress-based reaction.)
This is the difference between responding and reacting.
Real-Life Example: Losing a Job
Let’s say you’ve just lost your job unexpectedly.
Typical internal reaction:
“This is a disaster. This shouldn’t be happening. I’m screwed.”
Stress skyrockets. Panic sets in. The mind starts spinning horror stories.
Now try applying the 3-A Formula:
- Awareness: “Wow, I’m feeling shock, fear, and anger.”
- Acceptance: “It’s true—I’ve lost the job. That’s what’s real right now.”
- Action: “What are my immediate needs? How can I support myself emotionally while I plan my next steps?”
It doesn’t feel good—but you’re now moving from strength, not desperation.
The Deeper Truth: Reality Always Wins
Byron Katie, a pioneer in self-inquiry work, says:
“When you argue with reality, you lose—but only 100% of the time.”
The more we fight the truth of the moment, the more we suffer.
It’s like screaming at the rain to stop falling.
Stress doesn’t come from the rain.
It comes from our mental story: “It shouldn’t be raining right now. This ruins everything.”
What if—just once—you stepped into the rain and said:
“Okay. It’s raining. What now?”
Training Your Mind for Peace
Like building muscle, this mindset shift takes repetition.
You’re unlearning years (or decades) of habitual resistance.
Daily Practices That Help:
- Mindful check-ins: Ask yourself a few times a day: “Am I resisting something?”
- Journaling: Write down the phrase “this shouldn’t be happening” and follow it with the situation you’re resisting. Then challenge it.
- Meditation: Sit quietly and observe your thoughts without judgment. Acceptance begins with watching.
- Mantras: Repeat phrases like:
- “I release the need to control.”
- “What is, is.”
- “Peace begins when resistance ends.”
When Acceptance Feels Impossible
Some moments truly feel unbearable—loss, betrayal, illness.
In those cases, acceptance doesn’t mean liking the situation.
It means not adding unnecessary suffering on top of the pain that already exists.
It’s saying:
“This hurts. But I won’t make it worse by insisting that it shouldn’t hurt.”
Ironically, this kind of radical honesty opens the door to real healing.
Final Thought: Choose Power Over Protest
Every time something stressful happens, you have two options:
- Protest reality
– Feel powerless
– Stay stuck
– Suffer unnecessarily - Accept reality
– Reclaim your inner power
– Respond wisely
– Move forward in peace
The first choice is what most of the world does.
The second is what the most resilient, grounded people have trained themselves to do.
And it all starts by noticing that one thought—the whisper in your mind that says:
“This shouldn’t be happening.”
And gently replacing it with:
“This is happening. I’m here for it.”
You can’t always control what happens to you. But you can choose not to make war with it. That’s how you break free.